One of the hardest things for me to learn in my life has been to trust my gut. I trusted my Mom, my Dad, my Grandma and my Grandpa, my teacher, my friend. These are the people that abused me or allowed abuse to happen to me. None of those worked out well. The one thing that has been bothering me for years was how my Mom and Grandma could have stood up for me.
We had just moved to a new state and my son went into 3rd grade. I was nervous about it but kept covering him in prayer. He didn’t care for school, but I kept praying with him and it was going ok. He had good days and not so good days but I attributed it to being new. December hit and my son started talking about if I made him go to school he would commit suicide. That day I called in sick to work as it was obvious my son was terrified, I could see it in his eyes. I kept him home that day. When my husband got home from work, we sat down and talked about it. I called in sick for as many days as I had and told my boss I was giving notice. I kept my son home from school and we went to our church and enrolled him in the church school, starting after Christmas break. We didn’t have the finances to pay for the church school tuition, but I knew God would work it out. He did! I never found out what terrified my son so much at the other school but I believed him and took action. How does a 3rd grader think about suicide? How does a small child get so terrified that he wants to die? Who or what had stolen his joy and my happy go lucky boy was now locked in his room, depressed, the sparkle gone out of his eyes? These were the questions I asked myself. January came and he started at the new school. Slowly but surely, the spark returned in my son’s eyes. The talk of killing himself ended and the joy returned. It took time and a lot of patience from his new teacher. (I had told her what had happened). I can honestly say, as a Mom, I knew I had to believe my son and protect him. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I had stepped out in faith and trusted my gut.
So how could my Grandma and Mom walk away and not protect me, not believe me? These are questions I asked God for a long time. I have no answers. I think maybe it was the culture at the time, possibly fear. Fear of losing their home and children, (being stay at home moms), not knowing what would happen to them if they spoke up, are my guesses. Unfortunately, for me, because I wasn’t believed, I put blame on myself. I was little and kept trusting the people that hurt me the most. I was stripped of my intuition and thought I wasn’t good enough to make decisions for myself. That has taken a long time to heal.
I look back now and realize that God did protect me and I did stand up for myself, although for years I didn’t realize it. Whenever my family went to visit my grandparents, I made sure I was never alone with my Grandpa. I would ask my Mom to go along with me to the basement where the only bathroom was so as not to be cornered by Grandpa. I made sure I always had people around me and that worked to keep my Grandpa at bay.
It took me a long time to learn how to trust my gut and say no if the stirring in my belly made me sick or feel bad. I know now that the Holy Spirit leads me into all truth and teaches me all things. Many times, I remind myself that I am a child of the King, and that I have the mind of Christ and the wisdom of God is formed within me. It is important for me to let go of the past, not wallow in trying to figure out the whys and how comes, but rather focus on the present and what God says about me. I have learned by trusting God, I can make good decisions. I can trust my “gut” (aka Holy Spirit) to get me through any challenges I face. It is ok to trust my gut and to speak up, to say no, to not trust other people who give me a sick feeling. God is my refuge and my strength. That is the only one I trust. His Holy Spirit inside me is who will lead me into truth. Trust your gut!
Grandmother, Mother, Survivor, Child Advocate, Writer, and Blogger for A.C.T. United